Why can’t my partner just “take charge” in bed?
This is the question too many women (and men) ask when they come looking for help to improve their sagging sex lives. The first step is to fully understand what they mean by “taking charge.” After a bit of probing this phrase is often a common and socially acceptable way of saying “I want my partner to lead me through sex.” And surprisingly, we are finding this to be more of a sexual orientation than a preference. Some people need to be “led through sex” to truly enjoy themselves. It is an erotic trigger for them.
Just like the orientation of heterosexual/homosexual, more researchers are finding that the orientation of leading/being led is fluid, meaning it it not set in stone and may vary with time, experience or partner. Many feel quite good about “switching” between the two roles, but for the most part people generally swing one way or another — those who like to lead sex (aka Tops) and those who like to be led through sex (aka Bottoms).
If you require your partner to “take charge” in order for you to “let go” and enjoy yourself, you are likely a Bottom. If you prefer to lead the action, allowing your partner to “let go,” then you are likely a Top.
Who you are partnered with becomes essential for good sex. For example, if you like being led and your partner enjoys leading, you are probably enjoying some good sexual encounters together. But if your partner is not “taking charge,” no matter how many times you have asked for it, flirted at it or stuck your pretty butt in the air hoping it will be spanked, you may be partnered with another bottom.
(Before we jump to one conclusion, there is another alternative to consider. Many men today have expressed a concern about “taking charge” with their female lovers out a fear that they will be misunderstood for not being a good enough “feminist.” There are some very well-meaning lovers of women, who respect women so much that they couldn’t dream of “controlling” their partner in the way required to “take charge.” read other article here)
No matter what the cause, however, when your erotic charge comes from being led through sex, and your partner isn’t doing it, you are likely left frustrated.
So, what is a girl to do? You are a good feminist, so is your partner. How do you solve the dilemma of being a bottom?
First, make it clear that this is “play” and not real life.
Many good men feel awkward about assuming the leader role, because of
If you both have understood this to be a role-play and not an acceptance of power exchange in real life, then you both can have some good times together.
Second, be clear about your boundaries. If you are the bottom, let your partner know exactly what you are consenting to and what you are not consenting to. If they know clearly where your boundaries lie, they know that you are consenting to everything within those boundaries, and they can relax into their role.
No matter what you do in the bedroom, as long as it safe, sane and consensual, you are a good feminist (male, female or other).
Create a list of hard-limits (the things you would never do) before you even start your sexual play. Let them know if they ever venture into one of the things on the “hard limit” list, or the no-go zone, with any type of pressure, they are bad feminists, or worse. Hard-limits are exactly that — firm and black and white.
Third, have a safe word. Safe words allow you to extend that consent into the act itself.
Forth, find out if he is a bottom too.
Two bottoms to do necessarily make for good sex. Both bottoms crave the experience of being led through sex — and for a few good reasons. Being led often means you do not have to make decisions. For bottoms, no decisions means you can get out of your speeding brain and allow your body to relax and enjoy the sensations of sex. Being led through sex means you can “let go” and enjoy the sensual experience.
While it is impossible to tell with the current limited research, many men are bottoms too. It does not make them any less masculine, just because they like the same things in sex that you do.
If you are both bottoms — TAKE TURNS.
But if no one is leading, it is likely that both end up firmly entrenched in the “what now?” brain, where your brain remains actively focused on all things non-erotic.