Do you Orgasm with your Partner Present?
If you don’t orgasm with a partner present, you are not alone. But it can be done.
“I love my man. I love connecting with him, feeling his body against mine, seeing his pleasure, but his hopeful gaze in the bedroom, searching, waiting for me to orgasm is too much pressure. I can’t seem to come when he is in the same room. I love the feeling of sex, but it just doesn’t bring me over that edge to orgasm.”
This complaint is something I often hear from women of all ages and sexual backgrounds.
There is no surprise to why this is the case. Why do some women have trouble reaching orgasm with a partner?
- The presence of another person is distracting.
Reaching orgasm is just easier to do when someone isn’t watching. When we are alone we pay attention only to our own needs and ‘what turns us on’.
- Our main orgasm engine — the clitoris — is located on the outside of the vagina.
Sex is often defined as intercourse. And the clitoris can be unattended during intercourse. Asking a woman to orgasm with intercourse alone is like asking a man to have an orgasm by fondling his testicles. Possible, but difficult.
- It is difficult to communicate our sexual needs.
Let’s face it, it is tough to talk about sex. We worry about hurting our partner’s feelings, scaring them or turning them off. Too often we forego our sexual pleasure because we fear those few uncomfortable moments of conversation.
- We don’t know our own sexual triggers.
Many of us don’t know what really turns us on. How can we expect our partner to know what works for us if we don’t know ourselves? Understanding our sexual triggers is a key to controlling arousal and orgasm.
There is hope. So, how do we get there?
What are the best ways to orgasm with a partner?
Find ways to include the clitoris more in partner sex.
- Learn the positions that best provide the clitoral stimulation you need.
- Find the best ‘couple’s vibrators’ that can do the job for you.
Develop erotic flexibility: expand the methods you use to boost sexual pleasure.
- Learn what types of stimulation would work best for you.
- Learn about different ways to orgasm: four women describe their experience of their 4 types of orgasm
Know your sexual triggers: Know your arousal so well that you can use it to drive you over the edge. Orgasm happens only when the body is sufficiently aroused.
- Learn what thought, act or sensation will bring you over the edge to orgasm. Discover your Arousal Type
Create an erotic team with your partner: One of the biggest reasons women don’t reach orgasm with their partners is that we are not feeling connected to our partner or we are not getting the stimulation we need from our partner. Something about feeling comfortable and therefore being vulnerable?
- Discover how to talk to your partner to get what you need out of sex.
Tips for the partner:
- Find out how you can be supportive.
- Learn to create an environment where there is no pressure.
- Learn which techniques are better than others. Is there something you could be doing better?
- Find out what to say, and what NOT to say to her.
Is sex therapy right for you?
Thoughts of eroticism and sexuality are intensely personal, yet it can bring great relief to talk about sexuality genuinely with someone trusted. It can be difficult to navigate through your own sexuality without guidance . A trusted friend (or lover) who will not be judgmental is invaluable for this purpose, especially if you set up a series of discussions.
It may be wise to consult a sex therapist when:
- An issue or negative pattern is so close to you that you are unable to separate it from the rest of your life.
- You are trying hard to make a change, but don’t seem to be getting anywhere.
- You know that something is wrong, but you can’t put your finger on exactly what it is.
- You know you want to make a change, but you don’t know where to start.
- You are uncovering thoughts or memories that make you uncomfortable.
- You are conflicted by a situation, and can’t seem to see which direction to take.
- You are uncomfortable doing or fantasizing about certain erotic things.
Email Dr. Zebroff to find out if therapy is right for you firstname.lastname@example.org