Sexual Initiation: How 500 women (and men) prefer their partner initiated sex -

The most popular ways women (and men) want to be approached for sex.

We are very different when it comes to how we want to start a sexual encounter. To understand this crucial make-or-break initiating moment we asked 500 people their initiation preferences.

400 women and 100 men in N. America answered a questionnaire online about what works best to get them turned-on — and how they wanted their partner to initiate sex.

While everyone was very different from one another, a few things stood out that gives us a greater understanding as to how sex starts in long-term couples. The 4 main points were:

Few people were turned-on by the role of initiator – men included.
While men reported being turned on when they “Initiate most or every time,” it was a relatively small amount (5%) and not that different from women (2%). But this is more true for heterosexual couples. Gay, lesbian and bisexuals reported being turned on by the initiating role more than straight people.
Almost everyone was more turned on when their partner initiated sex. It looks like we all get more turned on when our partner initiates (18% for men, 35% for women).
Straight men are craving more “equal” initiation – with over half of men (52%) reporting they would get more turned-on by sharing the responsibility of initiating sex, whereas only 1/3 of women felt they wanted it more equal.
Who initiates mattered to both men and women, with only 26% saying they “didn’t care.” ‘Not caring’ was reported most by straight men and was strongly associated with lower sexual satisfaction.

What ways did most people like to start sex?

212 men and women told us in their own words how they wanted their partner to initiate.

What we found was that there is no one strategy in how women or men like their partner to initiate sex.

Out of 50+ strategies mentioned, there were 3 that kept coming up:

Kissing (general)
Touch – Caressing
Touch – Rub Me

While kissing was the most popular turn-on with 38% with women, we have keep in mind that the majority (62% of women) do NOT prefer kissing. This does not mean the women didn’t ‘like’ kissing, it just was not as much as a turn-on as other strategies.

This tells us that initiation a very personal experience. While no one style is better than another, there was one strategy that was associated with sexual satisfaction in women. The “Tell me” (you want to have sex) strategy, was positively associated with sexual satisfaction in women. There is something about directness that is working positively with good sex for women (the same was not true for men). It should be added that this strategy is distinct from “asking,” “suggesting,” or “begging.” All of which were not necessarily associated with sexual satisfaction.

What are the 50+ ways of people wanted their partner to initiate sex?

Mentions of …

Kissing – ALL types 34.7%

Touching or Caressing 23.2%

Being touched or rubbed 20.5%

Being Desired or given compliments 15.5%

Having the neck or ear stimulated 11.0%

Being kissed — Passionately 11.0%

Partner taking control 11.0%

Pace that escalates or is slow 9.6%

Talking dirty 9.1%

Seduction or Teasing 8.7%

Kissing or being kissed on neck 8.7%

Telling me (directly) 8.7% * associated with sexual satisfaction in women

Romantic environment or conversation 7.8%

Confidence or directness 7.8%

Touching the genitals 7.8%

Being surprised or Spontaneity 7.5%

Being kissed —Gently 7.3%

Foreplay (undefined) 6.8%

Rough or aggressive play 6.8%

Passion or urgency 6.4%

Love or Connection 5.9%

Being pushed or held (wall or bed) 5.5%

Being asked/sex suggested/begging 5.0%

Made to wait (in play) or anticipation 4.6%

Non-sexual hugs and affection 4.6%

Relaxing Environment or Time 4.6%

Seeing/feeling partner’s arousal 4.1%

Being undressed 3.7%

Partner making eye contact 3.7%

Back or Buttocks stimulated 3.7%

Being grabbed or grabbing 3.7%

Whispering or breathing sensually 3.7%

Partner being sweet or caring 3.7%

Massage 3.2%

Gestures without words 3.2%

Being approached from behind 3.2%

Stimulation of nipples or breasts 2.7%

No preference 2.3%

Oral Sex 2.3%

Humor or Play 1.8%

Watching or describing a fantasy 1.8%

Mental stimulation 1.8%

Partner dresses up 1.4%

Attention is focused 1.4%

Emotional Stimulation 1.4%

Using sensual props (eg. vibrator) 1.0%

I Dress up .5%

I decide .5%

These 50 strategies did fall into a pattern, however, and were grouped together into seven styles of sexual initiation. Do you know your style? Or your partner’s style? Do the test to get your sexual initiation style.

The take-away from this short study was that everyone is different. Do not assume you know the one that works best for your partner if you are relying on stereotypes or what a former partner liked. Ask them! Or do the Sexual Initiation Scale of Arousal SISA Scale.