What is the best way to talk to my partner about sex?
Sexual communication is linked to happiness in the relationship and the bedroom. Knowing these basic dos and don’ts of sexual communication can help your conversation go smoothly.
How do I talk to my partner about sex?
Do, check out your language with yourself and partner.
I say “penis” you say “winkie”. We can miss each other by using language that means something different to each person. Since we don’t have much experience talking about it in our regular (public) lives, it can be difficult to find the right ‘words’ to express ourselves.
Talking about “intercourse”, “penis’” or “vaginas” can seem too clinical to some, whereas words like “cock” and “pussy” might seem too much like porn-speak and be equally as awkward.
Be prepared that the words can get in your way and practice a few words that you would like to use before hand.
Do, be honest with yourself about what you like.
Not every little sexual desire or fantasy needs to be communicated to your partner. Privacy is part of being an individual. But there is no benefit in lying to yourself either. Read some erotica, talk to friends, and just think about what is true for yourself. Entering into a sexual discussion where you know your privacy boundaries can avoid awkward silences or “I don’t knows” from a discussion about sex. (do the arousal type questionnaire)
Do, have a space you can talk un-interrupted.
Sexual conversations requires privacy, period. Don’t make the situation harder than it needs to be by being in a position of being overheard or interrupted. Lock your bedroom door, go to the basement or the car. If need be, rent a hotel room. Your sexual relationship is an investment, value it.
Do, be calm and in a happy place.
How you start the conversation will set the stage for how the rest of the conversation will go. You are much more likely to have a happy and productive conversation if you (and your partner) are in a good mood.
Do, disturb the status quo.
“Nobody is fighting right now, let’s not rock the boat. Sex is fine the way it is,” “After all, I don’t hate sex with my partner,” “I can live with it.” These are some common feelings around sexual conversations. If you want your situation to change you need to let go of the stability of how it is right now. Create a better status quo.
Don’t, be upset or in the middle of another argument.
If the topic of sex trickles into another argument, make a conscious effort to stop and stay on the topic at hand. Mixing up issues is a recipe to get more confused and hurt, rather than resolving your issues.
Don’t, assume.
You probably know many things about your partner, but too often than not what I see in therapy are couple’s who are flat out wrong about their partner preferences. Your partner could be censoring their needs for you too. This is a dynamic that requires clarity along with kindness.
Don’t, be too kind.
The biggest reason I see in my office is one that is based in kindness, rather than selfishness. Many women, in particular, don’t bring up what they want or need in bed because they don’t want to hurt their partner’s feelings. Isn’t bringing up sex tantamount to saying “you are an awful lover?” they ask.
You are not doing anyone any favors by giving them the impression everything is okay when it is not. Not saying what you want, keeping it inside because you “believe” it will save your partner’s feelings may feel good in the moment, but in the long run lead to frustration and resentment. That, is not kind. The tone of how you say what you say can be what is kind.
Do, remember your ultimate goal.
The goal for both of you is likely to have better sex. Keep reminding yourself of that throughout the conversation. It is common to focus on how you’ve been hurt in the past. Your partner is also likely to want to express how they have been hurt. While a little of that is necessary, don’t get stuck on it. Move on from the hurt and focus on the greater goal, better sex.
Do, be curious.
The easiest way out of any difficult conversation is curiosity. Being curious is a quick fix way to get out of your own head and allows you to understand the deep personal motivation for your partner’s position. Why they really are doing what they are doing. And vice versa. Being curious allows you both to be heard and understood. Don’t wait for your partner. Step up and be the first!
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