The 50 Shades Solution …Polyamory?
One reason why so many women may be swooning over 50 Shades of Grey may be not for the reasons we have been talking about. A speaker at last week’s adult toy show in Las Vegas described how women may not be so interested by the sex per se of 50 Shades of Grey, but instead by the titillating example of a man (Christian) giving a woman (Ana) an unusual amount of attention.
Christian dotes on Ana, seemingly drinking in her very essence. He doles out the exact amount of attention that she longs for. He pops up unexpectedly, surprising her with gifts and exciting excursions — always seeming to be thinking of her. (If he wasn’t so rich or good looking, Ana might have called the police and issued a restraining order. But that would have made for a very different story. )
At times Ana is not sure just how she feels about Christian or the relationship, but what she does know is that getting a bunch of focused attention from a hot, rich man turns her on. And apparently reading about it turns on the audience as well.
We all crave attention from our mates, and despite the demanding, power-hungry sides of Christian, it is not hard to imagine being at his every whim. But, let’s face it, in the real world, while love can last a lifetime, that obsessive attention that we put on another human being when we are “limerant” (feeling of being in love), wanes within the first year.
And real-life men will never, no matter how wealthy or good looking, live up to that extreme level of attention-giving (or getting, for that matter).
Women may be looking back to a time when they had all of their partner’s attention. At the beginning of their relationship he listened to her intently, he talked to her until the wee hours of the morning and he disclosed how much he cherished her. It was HOT.
If we believe this theory, that being seen and valued is the real attraction of 50 Shades, then the solution may be simple – polyamory? If women are seeking attention (and some sex) then having a few different men paying attention to her may be just the answer she has been seeking.
* Polyamory is the consensual agreement between partners to have other relationships. Link to wiki.
Bea believes that polyamory is the solution to getting attention that she craves. She has lived a poly lifestyle with her husband Craig for over 10 years. She also has a boyfriend, who she has been seeing for the last 6 months and another lover she sees about once every 6 months, but who has been in her life for over 20 years.
Bea chose a polyamorous lifestyle because she didn’t believe in cheating. She loves her husband and yet, she doesn’t want to give up her exploration of sexuality. She also craves that “new relationship energy” she once had with her hubby — the same kick that Ana describes with Christian Grey.
Bea laughs, telling me she often gets too much attention. She adores her husband, but her boyfriend gives her that kick of attraction and “being seen” that makes her feel alive.
Kelly, another polyamorous woman, has experienced more attention as well, but she also finds that there are times when she feels the opposite. She has been in a long-term poly relationship for almost 20 years and is experiencing the reaction from the other side – when her primary partner takes a new lover.
Tristan Taoromino, author of Opening Up, says time is the biggest factor when it comes to polyamorous relationships. “You simply don’t have the time to give everyone the attention they need,” says Kelly, who’s partner dedicates extra time to her during these periods when he is starting to see someone new. Kelly feels happy (called “dispersion”) that he is so fulfilled and yet she still feels insecure and a little left out.
Both Kelly and Bea know that seeing their partners as separate from themselves is an important element to maintaining attraction. Sex Therapist/Researcher, Jack Morin, says in The Erotic Mind that seeing our long-term partners as separate sexual beings increases their value in our eyes. We value our partners more, which increases our attraction to our mate.
So, is polyamory a solution for the Christian Grey obsession?
For some this is certainly one route to getting the 50 Shades kick of “new relationship energy”, but you have to be willing to face the opposite at times too.
Just bigger highs and bigger lows.
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