He can't come

Difficult to Please: When He Can’t Come

A woman’s experience of delayed ejaculation.

Women like it when intercourse goes on and on. Don’t they?

The short answer is that women do need some ramp up time for sex. But the reality is that a woman’s body can take only so many thrusts before it gets sore or she gets bored.

Delayed ejaculation is not only the man’s problem. Partners of men who experience delayed ejaculation can get tired or sore, weary of giving him extra stimulation, often losing their own arousal and ability to orgasm in the process.

Women will often feel responsible for their partner’s struggle, imagining that they are not attractive or skilled enough to get their man off.

Bea recounts: “The first time I had sex with Jeff, I came quickly with intercourse. When I emerged from my pleasure haze I was surprised to see that he was in a very different space. He was still hard, so I kept moving, thrusting back at him, trying to make him come. This went on for a long time, but nothing. At one point he made a comment that he liked it when a woman tightened her vagina. But he had a big penis, which was stretching me wide and I found it hard to clench down on him. Eventually we stopped. I just felt bad. I thoughts I must not be a good enough lover or that he didn’t find me attractive enough. But I didn’t say anything as we put our clothes on, and neither did he.

The next time we had sex I had a great time. We had found a common fantasy — spanking. He got me extremely aroused and I had an incredible orgasm with intercourse. But again it was only me who came. I finally got the nerve up to ask him if he wanted to “finish”. He told me that he generally doesn’t come with a woman until he gets to know her a little bit better. I accepted his answer, and decided to turn off that insecure voice in the back of my mind.

The third time we had sex we had another good encounter. I didn’t expect him to come this time and I purposely turned myself over to selfishness. I even said to him that I felt deliciously self focused. But secretly, somewhere at the back of my mind, I wished he was feeling the same satisfaction that I was. I was starting to feel robbed of his pleasure.

The fourth time I got hopeful again. By now he must be starting to feel comfortable enough with me to reach orgasm. After I came I kept thrusting, wanting to make him come. But I wasn’t all that aroused anymore and I was getting increasingly sore. When I got too sore to continue, I took off the condom and started to stimulate him orally and manually. This went on for a long time. I failed, again.

I needed to talk to him about it, so I asked him what really turned him on and what we could we do differently. He looked uncomfortable, like I was pressuring him. He gave me short answers and assured me again that he didn’t care if he came or not. His new excuse was the condoms that were taking away his pleasure.

The problem was that I DID care. I wanted to feel him come. I wanted make him come. Each time I had sex with him after that time, I was getting progressively less aroused. It felt like we weren’t having sex together anymore, but more like he was just pleasing me.

What Bea felt was a normal reaction to Jeff’s struggle with orgasm. Bea eventually ended it with Jeff just after a few more encounters reasoning that the intimacy was waning. It wasn’t bothering her so much that he wasn’t having orgasms, as it was that she couldn’t talk to him about it.

Tips for the partners of men with DE:

Know that delayed ejaculation is no one’s fault. While it is normal to feel responsible, the causes of DE are varied and personal.
Know that your partner is probably feeling thwarted, anxious and incompetent.
Offer to vary your stimulation. Ask him how he likes to be touched.
Make your sex about pleasure and less about the goal of orgasm.
Be honest about when you have had enough intercourse. If you are getting sore or bored, you are doing neither of you a favor by continuing. Change activities. Communicate.
When he says it doesn’t matter that he doesn’t come this time, let it go. You could be getting caught up in your own ideas about what makes up a successful sexual experience.
Ask him to explore his fantasies with you. Do the same.
Let him know when you can tolerate stimulation that is more intense. If he knows that he is not hurting you, he is more likely lose himself in the pleasure.
Be an erotic team.
See a therapist to find out causes and specific treatments for DE.