Now you have a contract, but I need help to talk to my partner
Negotiating a sexual contract can be an enlightening and fun experience designed to inspire you and help you get what you want sexually.
Contracts are tools for communication and clarification about what lights us up sexually. Understanding our sexuality better can strengthen your bond with a lover, help you enjoy your fantasies, help you to prevent miscommunication and be a reference point for resolving potential disputes.
Before you start consider a few ground rules for delving into this exciting and sensitive area.
Here are a few tips on where to start:
- Set aside time to negotiate.
Talking about your naughty fantasies is an all-engaging affair that doesn’t work well if there are constant distractions. Start out when you feel confident and secure. Avoid doing this when you are fighting or feeling insecure about your relationship.
- Agree that there are no wrong ‘turn-ons’ or ‘turn-offs’.
Agree to not criticize each other’s choices or preferences. Keep an open mind. Remember that your biases could come from your own shame, guilt or anxiety around a subject.
- Go into detail.
The more you can describe what turns you on, the more you can identify the critical elements that either work to arouse you or turn you off.
- Be honest about what makes you uncomfortable.
If you are clear that certain acts make you anxious, be clear. If you are not clear perhaps you need to delve into more detail to see what exactly is making you feel uncomfortable. Sex can bring up automatic judgements that might not make sense to you or your partner.
- Be non-judgemental, and kind to your partner.
While there may be some absolute NOs! on your list, these same acts may be big“YESs” on your partner’s list. Don’t judge each other for your different preferences.
- Be Open.
We have tendency toward a NO bias. If something makes us uncomfortable or anxious we might say no, without thinking it through as a way to avoid that anxious feeling. If we addressed the discomfort we might find we are indeed interested.
- Think about your preferences on your own first.
A partner can put undue pressure on you to do something you may not feel comfortable with doing, or their judgements may . Be clear first and then open it up to discussion.
- Allow enough time to explain and for partner to respond.
We may assume our lover has a particular response, negative or positive. Remember they may not have considered the sexual act that you are sharing as a turn off. Give them the time to think and respond.