Many couples get stuck in a negative cycle of rejection-pressure. The more the higher-desire partner want to have sex, the more pressure they put on the other person (either overtly or subtly), and the more pressure the low-desire partner feels, the less likely they are to feel sexual. And round they go in a negative cycle of rejection-pressure. Everyone feels awful and nobody gets satisfying sex.
1. Acknowledge the cycle.
The first step is to notice the cycle and how it may be unhelpful. Then acknowledge how both roles can be difficult.
2. Consider timing?
People who get rejected often can feel rejected, not because their partner doesn’t want sex, but because they don’t want it right then. Ask your partner when they would feel like it?
Of course timing is not necessarily predictable by the Rejector, but if instead of a scheduling demand it’s an inquiry as to when the other person feels sexual or what the precursors / inhibitors are …?
3. Focus on the “how” sex is initiated.
“How” sex is initiated is one of the areas many people forget about when negotiating sex. For example, kissing is one of the main ways couples signal to their partner they are interest in sex, at least here in Western culture. But many people don’t find kissing a turn-on, and some may even get irritated, or turned-off by kissing or the type of kissing. People tend to get rejected when they don’t have to if they can find a way to initiate that works for both people.
4. How can the Rejected enable the Rejector to get to“Yes” …?
Stereotypical example: house is messy, which makes Rejector uptight and unable to relax (esp. since Rejected is part of the problem). Or is preoccupied with e.g. work. Rejected making an effort to help with those conditions makes it easier for Rejector to appreciate them (sexually) instead of the former being “part of the problem” as just another obligation the latter has to satisfy.
When Ray learned about how bad this felt for Chandra, he decided to respond differently to a sexual “no”. Instead of immediately getting upset or cold, he decided to become curious about what was going on for her in the moment. As the conversation opened up and the pressure came off, Chandra found she was becoming more in touch with how she would want to get in the mood. She said she liked teasing texts and positive connections throughout the day. To Ray’s surprise, one day Chandra approached him for sex. She said she felt like the pressure was really off and suddenly she felt arousal that she hadn’t felt in a long time.
Tips to deal with sexual rejection (well).
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