No orgasm sex, as a goal! “What’s the point?” is the question I will get when I first mention this as an exercise. This is only for 30 min, and you can do whatever you like at minute 31, is my response.
This challenge started with the 30-min oral sex challenge I started using in my practice. Overwhelmingly, all those who have done the”oral sex challenge” say the same thing — they started out reluctant, but began to enjoy it because the pressure to orgasm was gone!
This challenge works wonders to help people enjoy sex more, be more in the moment, and connect with their partner, but only if you follow one rule: NO ORGASM (for 30 min).
Why is focusing away from orgasm so important? Because having a goal of orgasm adds a pressure, an expectation, to both parties. Any goal gets in the way of pure enjoyment of giving and receiving sensation.
The goal is by definition in the future, and when you focus on the future you cannot focus on the moment. Take 30 min to simply “feel.” Feel arousal, feel sensation, feel connection … just feel.
When we live with the goal of orgasm, we are “out of our present moment,” and stuck firmly in the future. The partner giving sensation can feel like the partner’s orgasm is their ‘responsibility’. They report that if they do it “right,” their partner will orgasm. Their partner’s orgasm is literally in their hands.
But the truth is that many of us have difficulty reaching orgasm with a partner present. There are more distractions, not enough sensation, too much sensation or sensation not in the right way or order. When orgasm is the goal the giver stops enjoying the act of sucking or stroking for its own sake. When the pressure of orgasm is gone the giver can relax and enjoy giving sensation too.
When the pressure of orgasm is on, it is also the receiver of sensation that can feel the pressure as well, the pressure to reach orgasm. This pressure can distract the receiver from being in the moment with the pleasure and actually delay orgasm.
Orgasm needs a build up of arousal, and arousal takes focus. If you are distracted away from your arousal (in the moment sensations) you are actually delaying the orgasm, the very goal you are trying to achieve. The more you focus on the goal of orgasm the more you get distracted away from your arousal (what helps you to get to orgasm). Ultimately, by having the goal, you are stopping yourself from getting to your goal. Humph! How can you get to orgasm then? ( a question I get a lot). STOP TRYING TO ORGASM. Ergo this exercise.
Both parties end up trying so hard that they stop themselves from enjoying the experience, bringing
What are the benefits of no-orgasm sex?
No-orgasm sex creates an atmosphere that:
- takes the pressure off both parties.
- allows the d0-er to enjoy the experience without pressure to make the partner orgasm.
- allows the receiver to enjoy the experience without pressure to have an orgasm.
- allows both parties to relax into the experience.
- allows both parties to focus on one thing and not be distracted by doing too much at once.
- allows both parties to try or focus on activities that they might not normally try.
- makes the experience more real, genuine and fun.
- allows both parties to get out of an old rut and add some novelty to the experience.
Hear what others think who have taken the oral-sex challenge.
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