What do you do when your and your partner are completely different sexual types?
You love your partner. Your partner loves you. You are in a good partnership. The household is running smoothly, bills are paid, kids are healthy and happy, and you even still have some fun together.
Except something is missing. You just don’t like do the same thing in bed. This could lead to a sexless marriage or relationship.
Amy, a 31 year old nurse, is in that position. Amy fantasizes about being pinned to the wall and taken, while Amy’s husband, Jeremy, is most aroused by pleasing his partner. Specifically, he loves the sensations (and powerful feeling he gets) when he gives his partner an orgasm with oral sex. Amy is frustrated that Jeremy isn’t taking more of the initiative. And Jeremy just doesn’t ‘get’ why Amy is rejecting his clear oral skills, when “other women” would appreciate them.
What do we do if we have different desires in bed?
We all get turned on by different elements of sex. The basic elements — including sensations, certain acts, being admired or connection with a partner — are in us all, but some of them play a more prominent role than others. If you feel like you and your partner are not a match in this area, don’t despair. You have options.
You are likely reading this because you want to save your relationship without sacrificing your sex life. There are a few things you can do to start closing the gap between your differences and start becoming “an erotic team”.
First, Breathe.
Second, open up you idea of what is possible.
So often we limit our options simply because we discount solutions thinking them impossible. We are so steeped in our cultural, religious and family views that we often stop our imagination before it can even reach a possible solution.
In some cases, what you want and what your partner want are too far apart. Or maybe there is too much hurt that has passed between you. Before you come to any final conclusion, you might want to check out what is possible.
Third, be clear what you want — to yourself first.
What exactly do you want out of your relationship ? What is it that you want from sex?
Write down the top 10 things. Complete these lists on your own. Especially when you are feeling strong and relaxed. This is a chance to really know yourself – know what you need. Make it a private experience so you can be honest with yourself.
Prioritize the list. Put a “1” for those things that you cannot live without, a “2” for those things that would be very nice to have, and a “3” for those things that would be nice, but can be given up in a pinch.
Be as true to yourself as you can. Most people in this situation sacrifice their choices before they even reach the paper, imagining a frowning partner or judgemental comment. Your partner may (and probably will) surprise you. If not, you haven’t lost anything by understanding more about what you need to be fulfilled.
Fourth, tell and ask.
One of the great sexual myths is that we are supposed to magically know what will turn our partner on. Men especially, are expected to know what will turn a woman on, sometimes before she even knows herself. (think 50 Shades popularity). This is insulting to women, too much responsibility for men and just plain destructive to a couple’s sex life. No one can read the inner workings of their partner’s mind. Research has shown that it is those people who communicate fantasies, share experiences and risky vulnerability with a partner that report more satisfaction with sex.
Fifth, appreciate your differences.
Sixth, get some help.
Having the sex conversation with your partner can still be difficult. Many people like to go to a sex therapist at this point. What a therapist would do:
- Help you understand the real you– what you actually want, what you actually need. This is usually done in solo counselling sessions, to understand how your approach sex and eroticism.
- Help you express to your partner what you would like in a non-threatening way that your partner can hear.
- Help you understand what your partner is trying to tell you.
- Re-evaluate where you get stuck with shame or self-judgements.
- Help you find common strengths with your partner to create your own Erotic Team.
Other tools that can help you do it on your own:
How to Talk to Your Partner About Sex
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