What Women Are “Missing Out On” Sexually? More on the Orgasm Gap

Orgasm FOMO: What women are “missing out” on in sex

“Orgasm happens very infrequently, while my partners often seem very satisfied after sex, I am often frustrated and sometimes I find myself crying.”

~ a woman in her 30s.

Recently I asked over 2000 people if felt they were “missing out on the sex other people seem to be having” — or sexual FOMO. One third of men and women experienced sexual FOMO most times, and over 70% said they felt it half of the time.

Wile men and women reported similar things they were ‘missing out on’ — sexual frequency, spontaneity and passion — one difference stood out. And it is a difference that may explain why women’s sexual desire is often considered lower than for men.

Women were 6 times more likely to feel like they were missing out on orgasm. A staggering 42% of the women reported missing out on clitoral orgasms, vaginal orgasms, mutual orgasms, stronger and better orgasms. It was striking that only 7% of men missed out on anything to do with orgasm.

This is not surprising when we look at who is having orgasms and who isn’t. Our study found similar rates to other studies with 3/4 of men reporting orgasm with intercourse every time, whereas only 1/3 of women did. It is no wonder that heterosexual women lose their desire when they are not rewarded by the orgasm that men almost always experience. This difference between men and women is called the “orgasm gap” and has been more recently studied and talked about. (An excellent TED Talk gives an overview of the topic).

“Getting to orgasm faster, and orgasm from his oral or manual simulation instead of my own.”

~ a woman described what she was missing out on.

Why are women missing out on orgasm?

This difference is certainly not because of women’s ability to orgasm. Sex researchers long ago discovered that women have the same capacity for orgasm as men. For example, Kinsey found that on average both women and men are able to orgasm within 3-4 min if they get the appropriate stimulation. In some ways, women have an even greater capacity and flexibility around orgasm if you include multiple orgasm. Even with this greater capacity, however, it is clear that heterosexual women are not getting the stimulation they need to reach orgasm when they have sex with men.

“I am missing having vaginal orgasms. I can only come through clitoral stimulation and the men I have been with don’t last long enough to allow me to orgasm, or maybe they don’t care about whether I do or not. But still I do enjoy the feeling of closeness that comes with sex, and I can always just masturbate to orgasm.”

~ a 26 year old answering what she misses out on in sex.

3 reasons why women miss out on orgasm more than men

The men and women in this study identified three reasons that may account for why we have this missing orgasm for women.

1. We prioritize vaginal intercourse as the “ultimate” sex act

Ask anyone what they think the word “sex” means and most will say penis-vagina intercourse.

While intercourse can be pleasurable for men and women, if intercourse is the only thing women do, orgasm rates plummet. This is likely because for most women their main pleasurable organ (the clitoris) is not directly stimulated during penis-vagina intercourse. It may also be because men believe that a woman’s vagina is more sensitive then is actually is.

We also found that women not only “missed out” on orgasm, but they also missed out on the stimulation that leads up to orgasm, including clitoral stimulation in the form or “foreplay,” “oral” and “manual” stimulation.

Everyone benefits from a greater variety of acts in the sexual experience. Including men. Studies have found that both men and women who incorporate different acts into their sexual repertoire had higher rates of orgasm, better orgasms and more satisfaction.

2. Both men and women downgrade the importance of women’s orgasms.

Another reason we have this gap may be because women and men alike prioritize men’s orgasms. Sex often ends with the male orgasm whether or not his female partner has had one.

How do we make a decision to stop sex? In order to understand this phenomenon we asked men and women what they do at the moment they realize their orgasm is not coming easily. And it turns out that men and women act very differently. Women tend to focus on their partner’s orgasm, and give up on their own. Men don’t.

Out of the women who had trouble with orgasm (94%), 22% said they invited their lover to manually or orally stimulate them and 14% used a vibrator/toy to achieve orgasm, a remarkable 22% of women acknowledged faking their orgasm and 15% simply stopped the sex play.

In contrast fewer men had trouble reaching orgasm, but those who did reported using the following techniques: they asked or gestured for their partner to stimulate them orally or manually (20%), or indicated to continue intercourse (23%). If in real trouble they stopped, but in contrast to women, they rarely faked it (5%).

While these techniques worked in some instances none of these main four actions were statistically associated with more frequent orgasms for women. So what was associated with more frequent orgasm?

3. Men may not know how to stimulate their partners (and won’t ask).

For women, asking their partner to continue to stimulate them did not necessarily translate to more orgasms. But for men it did. Men are more likely to orgasm with partner stimulation. But the only action that was correlated with more orgasms for women was self stimulation. What does this mean? Women are more likely to orgasm when they are “stimulating themselves.” This does not mean men should stop trying, though. In fact, the greatest predictor of women’s orgasms was her partner’s knowledge of her preferred method of stimulation.

How can we close the orgasm gap?

1. Prioritize all sex acts as equal.
   We tend to elevate intercourse to the “ultimate” sexual act. This is the problem because it favors men’s orgasm. We need to prioritize other acts, especially clitoral stimulation, an act by far the most likely act to lead to a woman’s orgasm.

2. Have a strategy.
   Before you begin, decide together what you are going to do if you realize one of you is having difficulty with orgasm. Read more on strategies to get over the edge to orgasm.
   
3. If you are a woman, don’t give up too quickly.
   Most men would like nothing better than to make sure his lover has an orgasm. But many women feel compelled to tiptoe around a man’s feelings or lack of knowledge around sex. If he orgasms first and can’t continue with an activity, let him know how to continue in your preferred way.
   
4. If you are a lover of a woman, support your partner’s orgasm.
   Too many women give up because they think their partner will get bored or turned off. As a man, you can be her sexual hero by letting her know you are willing to go the extra mile.
   
5. Know the type of stimulation your lover prefers.
   The biggest indicator of a woman’s orgasm was her partner’s knowledge of her preferred stimulation. Yet many men feel like they should “just know” what turns on their lover without asking or learning about her body or how sex works for women. Make sure to ask.
   
6. Don’t rush. One of the biggest complaints of women is that her partner gets impatient with her. Agree to take the time together.

More orgasms for women, means everyone is happier, healthier and wants to have more sex. Working together we can close this gap.

Take the Orgasm Cues Test to see what cues will be most likely to help you reach orgasm.