Why (and why not) pick-up artists are good lovers
Pick-up artists are known for getting women in bed. It is what they do well. But little is know about the quality of the sex once they get to the bedroom. Psychologists, sex therapists and lovers weigh-in on which techniques used by pick-up artists (aka The Game) enhance the sexual experience, and which destroy it.
What Makes a Pick-up Artist a Good Lover?
- He encourages sexual pacing: Pick-up artists are taught to make sensual advances and then pull back, allowing a woman to introduce physical contact at her own pace.
Sexual consequence: Because she feels free to initiate, she is able to grow her arousal naturally without pressure.
- He focuses on what gets her in the mood: Most of the techniques honed by pick-up artists focus on inspiring trust and desire. The nice side-effect of the combination of trust and desire is sexual arousal.
Sexual consequence: With high arousal a woman can deepen the sexual experience, making orgasm easier to attain.
- He gets lots of practice:
The more women a pick-up artist beds, the more experienced and skilled he become. (That is the theory anyway)
Sexual consequence: Through practice a pick-up artist can learn to read a woman’s responses and use the experience and skill acquired with past lovers to hone sexual abilities.
Caveat: Theoretically, more sex equals better lovers. However, repeated bad sex reinforces bad sexual techniques.
What Makes Him a Bad Lover?
- Sex is often NOT the priority:
While sex can be the marker of success for a pick-up artist, it is often not the driver of the behavior. Instead, the motivating factors can be reinforcing messages, such as, “I am worthy”, I am likeable” and “I am powerful”.
Psychologists have analyzed well-known pick-up artists and found deep-seated insecurities and issues with self-esteem. In many cases a pick-up artist’s need for approval trumps his desire for the sex act itself.
Sexual Consequences for Her:
Being with a lover who doesn’t prioritize sex can feel wooden and disconnected. She may feel responsible for his lack of interest, reasoning that she is not attractive or sexy enough.
Sexual Consequences for Him: Lack of desire for sex can stop physiological arousal, which can result in difficulties achieving an erection, delaying orgasm and even premature ejaculation.
- Negging kills arousal:
‘Negging’ is a technique used by pick-up artists to draw attention to a woman’s faults in order to put her off balance and look for his approval.
Sexual Consequence for Her: A woman will become anxious as she focuses on her faults, momentarily forgetting about her arousal. Breaks in arousal can distract essential erotic focus away from orgasm.
- Not necessarily skilled:
Almost all of the pick-up artist teaching manuals have detailed step-by-step instructions on how to get a woman into bed, but almost nothing on what to do once they get to the bedroom. Advice abruptly ceases after the seduction.
If a man finds himself in a sexual situation without sufficient skills, his anxiety can rise, interfere with erections and contributing to the loss of sexual control, resulting in premature or delayed ejaculation.
- Lack of trust:
Good sex with a partner requires trust. The Game unfortunately does not foster trust. Quite to the contrary, one basic tenet of The Game is to avoid vulnerability and always be in control.
Sexual Consequences: Without the ability to trust his partner, a pick-up artist may find it difficult to “let go” into the sexual experience. Among other things, he may have difficulty reaching orgasm (delayed ejaculation).
Do pick-up artists make good lovers?
As a rule pick-up artists are not trained in the art of love or sex, only manipulation. While some men who go through the pick-artist training already love sex and/or are good lovers, most do not have the sexual or relationship skills required for good sex.
Anxiety, lack of sexual skill or trust can lead to short sex (premature ejaculation), long laborious sex (delayed ejaculation), or even difficulty with erections (erectile dysfunction).
And since genuine communication and trust building are discouraged in the pick-up artist code, it can be difficult to handle sexual problems once they arise.
A lover of a pick-up artist can expect her arousal heightened, but she cannot expect the sex to be as skilled or intimate as his wooing
Read more about pick-up artists and sex:
Do Pick-up Artists Teach Men to Be Good Lovers?
Which techniques work better for sex, and why
What it is like to have sex with a pick-up artist
One Woman’s Experience