Sexual Fantasy: Part 1

 

By: Petra Zebroff and Kelly Wanika

 

Have you ever tied up your boss and spanked him until he begged for mercy? Ever had hot passionate sex in an elevator with a total stranger? Spent a day naked on a beach in Hawaii being massaged by dozens of hula girls? Been seduced by Angelina Jolie, George Clooney, Mila Kunis or Ryan Gosling?

 

Chances are you have – in your mind.

 

For those of us who haven’t slept with Angie, George or Ryan, these are examples of sexual fantasies.  Sexual fantasy is an unbridled string of mental pictures that arouse us.  These erotic images are often linked by a story line, like a daydream.  Fantasies may occur spontaneously: a response to a passing thought, a fleeting emotion, a visual cue or even a familiar scent.  Some last mere seconds, as when we see someone attractive on the street and think, “Hm, maybe…”  Others take hours to unfold.

 

Over the years, there has been confusion about sexual fantasy and a reluctance to discuss them.  In the early 1900’s, Sigmund Freud described fantasies as a negative experience.  He perpetuated the myth that sex fantasies were a source of shame because he belied that only unhappy and discontented people had them.  Freud labeled people who fantasized perverted and mentally ill.  As recently as the 1970’s, some researchers still considered fantasies to be predictors of pathological and criminal behavior.   Today’s outlook is far more positive.  In fact, study after study shows that people who fantasize more often tend to have more active and satisfying sex lives.

 

Who Fantasizes, How Often and Why?

 

Ninety-five percent of all adults use sexual fantasy.  Some let their imaginations go several times a day, while others do so only occasionally or during certain activities.  Not much is known about what age fantasies start, but evidence shows that adolescent boys begin having them regularly earlier than girls.  Men and women fantasize the most from their early 20s to their mid-30’s.  After the age of 35 the rate decreases for both sexes.

 

Men and women fantasize equally often during sexual intercourse. However, men indulge more often during non-sexual activities and masturbation than women.  One explanation for this difference between the sexes involves hormones.  According to Harold Leitenberg and Kris Henning in Psychological Bulletin, high testosterone levels are linked to high frequency of sexual fantasies.  High estrogen levels are not.

 

Most of us feel good about our sexual fantasies.  We can use them to intensify sexual excitement and to achieve orgasm more easily.  Fantasies allow us to try new sexual scenarios without having to worry about the consequences of our actions.  Because we control all aspects of them, they don’t have to obey the laws of man or physics, stay in the realm of reality or even make sense.  These private reveries enrich our lives by giving us comfort when we are lonely, enhancing our self-esteem and allowing us to explore different situations and people without putting ourselves in danger or risking rejection.  Kathleen, 29, a single business consultant, says one of her favorite fantasies encompasses all of these components:

 

I hear a knock at the door, and I answer it.  Expecting him, I am wearing only a pair of thigh-high black stockings and black, patent leather, high-heeled shoes.  The cute, young telephone repairman’s eyes bulge out when he sees me standing before him in all of my glory.  He smiles, licks his lips and stares at my body.  I reach out to him, unlock his tool belt and allow it to fall to the ground.  He is amazed at my boldness, but I am in total control.  I take his hand and lead him into my living room, not bothering to close the front door.  I rip his clothes off and begin kissing him all over his body.  We can hear the voices in his walkie-talkie and know his supervisors are looking for him, but that only adds to our growing excitement.  I lay him down on the floor and proceed to ravish him.  We go at it like animals, and when we are finished, I hand him his clothes, kiss him good-bye and get on with my day.  What a great diversion!

 

 

What Shapes Our Sexual Fantasies?

 

In their book, In the Garden of Desire: The Intimate World of Women’s Sexual Fantasies, Wendy Maltz and Susie Boss assert that fantasies come from an amalgam of our desires, attitudes and life experiences.  They say fantasies can spring from our imaginations but can also be influenced by memories of actual events from childhood.  Daydreams and make-believe play a major role in the formation of our inner lives.  The media can also influence our beliefs about what it means to be sexual and those beliefs, in turn, contribute to our fantasies.  The authors suggest that when we reflect on early influences, “We often can tell which messages we ignored and which ones have remained important in our adult sex lives.” Such insight is valuable in getting to know our erotic selves.  Nancy, 22, a surgical technician, recalls how her past has influenced her fantasies:

 

I can remember as a child sneaking into my father’s closet to look at his collection of Playboy magazines.  Sometimes, I would really hit the jackpot and find a Penthouse or Variations magazine, too.  I loved looking at the pictures of all the beautiful women.  I fantasized about how I would one day have all those curves and crevices.  From cover to cover, I would voraciously read every word, stockpiling all the information I could get on sex.  In my strict, religious family, asking a sexual question was met with a mouthful of soap.  Needless to say, I quickly learned to get my information from other sources.  So I grew up believing the stories I read in the magazines.  I thought all sex was wonderful, exciting and fulfilling.  I never knew there was any work involved.  I thought when it was time to have sex, a tall, dark, handsome stranger would appear out of nowhere, sweep me off my feet, make mad passionate love to me and we would live happily ever after.  Boy, was I wrong, BUT in my fantasy life, it still happens all the time.

 

Do Men’s and Women’s Sexual Fantasies Differ?

 

Many themes are common to men’s and women’s sexual fantasies.  These include reliving past erotic experiences; having sex with a current partner; and having sex with a new partner or attractive stranger.  Oral sex, new positions and exotic locations also rank high in popularity for both sexes, as do dreams of power, such as being forced to have sex, forcing others to have sex and being irresistible to others.

 

But significant differences in sexual fantasy exist as well.  According to Leitenberg and Henning, women’s fantasies tend to be more emotional and romantic than men’s.  They often include passive or submissive roles.  By way of contrast, men’s fantasies exhibit more dominance and focus strongly on nude body parts, group sex, physical gratification and explicit sexual acts.  Homosexual fantasies do not differ much from heterosexual fantasies, except that the object of desire is more often the same sex.  Alex, 42, a bookstore owner, frequently imagines having other men under his control:

 

He is a good slave.  He appears to have followed to the letter the instructions I gave him before I left this morning.  He is clean-shaven, freshly showered and wearing the clothes I laid out for him. He takes my coat and briefcase and puts them away without saying a word.  I walk to the table where he pulls my chair out for me.  The table is set with the good china, fresh flowers in the center and wine in my glass.  I lean my head back, close my eyes and inhale deeply, noting the rich smell of Italian food wafting in from the kitchen.  My slave comes to me, removes my shoes and begins massaging my feet.  I moan at the pleasure.  After serving me dinner, course by course, my slave runs my bath and helps me out of my clothes. Once in the bathtub, he washes my body meticulously, careful not to miss an inch.  He dries me and helps me dress in my freshly laundered silk robe.  As I lay back on the couch, I order my slave to dance for me.  He seductively strips to the music, and I get very aroused at the sight of him in nothing but his collar, leather G-string and boots.  I snap my fingers and he kneels before me, willing to fulfill any request I make of him.  He is a good slave.

 

Sexual Fantasies – Part 2: How Sexual Fantasies Affect Relationships, What about Violent or Uncomfortable Fantasies?