Being able to talk about sex with your partner is crucial for a good sex life and relationship.
Most of us have something we would like to let our partner know or ask our partner, but our partner is somehow not engaging with us. Talking about sex doesn’t always feel easy at the best of times. It becomes ten times more difficult when a partner is not as enthusiastic as we are.
Getting over this hump of discomfort can become too much effort and the topic goes unadressed for months, years or for the entire length of the relationship. What could have been a relaxed and exciting sex life feels unattainable, all because of a little discomfort.
Perhaps our partner is avoiding the conversation by changing the subject, or maybe they are getting angry, blaming or perhaps they are just falling silent. Whatever the reaction they are demonstrating, there is a reason for this silence and finding out what that is can be the first step to having a relaxed and productive conversation. The first tip is to be kind and find out why they are not feeling comfortable about having this discussion.
Here are a list of the top reasons many people avoid the topic of sex:
- They worry they will be judged
- They worry they will hurt their partners feelings
- They worry that they will not know what to say
- They worry that they won’t know what words to use
- They worry they will start a fight
- They worry they will ruin the magic of sex
- They worry they will look stupid or inexperienced
- They worry they will make it worse
So, what do you do when you want to talk about sex?
Tips to open up the topic of sex with a reluctant partner:
- Talk about your discomfort. Opening up about your own discomfort, can help your partner not feel alone in this discomfort and be more likely to relax and open up.
- Ease into it. Use a soft-start method. Talk about how hard it is to talk about. Talk about how your family did (or didn’t) talk about sex. In most families sex is a four-letter word. It is the you just know what NOT to talk about.Sample: “How was sex treated in your household growing up? Did you talk about it? (most people will say it was never mentioned). How did you find it now to talk about it?”
- Start with easy references.
The more personal you are, the more threatening it feels. Talking about ‘others’ can help to ease into a subject. Sidestep into a conversation with something you read in the news or a scene in a movie that might stimulate a conversation to understand how your partner feels about certain subjects.
Sample: “It was really interesting how character A responded to B’s touch in the scene in the movie __________, what did you think about it?”
- Be positive (and stay positive). Nothing will stop a conversation faster than blame or judgement. Most people respond that much easier to when they know they are doing something “right,” rather than something they have done wrong. What does your partner do that really works for you in the bedroom? Start by telling them how much you like that about them. Avoid what they may be doing that is not working for you. Tell them what you would like to do more of instead of less of. Remember there is no “right” or “wrong” in sex, just what is “right” or “wrong” for you!
Sample: “I really love it when you __________, especially how you move your ________. That is so hot! Can we do more of that?”
- Talk about common myths that stop people from talking about sex.
- Myth: Talking about sex will take away the spontaniety and the magic.
Truth: The people in long-term relationships who talk about sex, have more fullfilling sex lives.
- Myth: If I have to ask what you like, then I am a bad lover.
Truth: No one can read anyone’s mind. You need to talk about it to know for sure.
- Myth: Men should know more about sex than women.
Truth: This may have been more true in the past when women had limited exposure to sexual information because of censorship, but today men and women know about sex equally.
These are just a few of the more common myths, see what other ones you can come up on your own.