Why multi-tasking during sex is a bad idea

 

By Petra Zebroff, Ph.D.

Multi-tasking equals efficiency!  Doesn’t it?  Not when it comes to sexual satisfaction.

Why can’t we have rapturous orgasms while simultaneously adding another item to our shopping list, mentally scheduling a dentist appointment or replaying your near car accident?

Sex pleasure requires undivided attention to work properly.   When attention moves off the erotic, sexual problems can arise.

The result for men who suffer from lack of attention during sex is premature ejaculation. When he isn’t tuned into sex, his body takes over robbing him of control.

Women, with their multi-tasking brains, are the most guilty of not giving sexual pleasure the undivided attention it needs. But if affects women differently.  Women are twice more likely to encounter slow arousal and delayed or absent orgasm than men are.

Sex that starts out with a multi-tasking mind rarely gets off the ground because attention is needed for the body (and mind) to get aroused.  Mere shifts in attention are powerful enough to distract a woman from getting aroused.

If a woman does get aroused, it is orgasm that suffers next from multi-tasking.

How often has it happened that a tax bill has popped into your mind during sex and Poof!  Your mind is no longer on the erotic moment.  Arousal starts to wane because it is not getting the attention it needs to be sustained, and orgasm becomes difficult.

Why does this happen? 

The brain is constantly searching for the most vital piece of information to focus on.  It wants to prioritize events so we don’t miss anything dangerous.

If your incoming thoughts are deemed important enough by the brain, it will focus the body to respond to that new, non-erotic thought, and the body’s natural sexual response is pushed aside.

One reason women have more of an issue in sexual attention than men do is simple anatomy.  Women don’t pay as much attention to their genitals as men do, and therefore lose a valuable “zoning in” tool.

Men’s lime-light-loving genitals give them an important feedback loop that women don’t get from their ‘hidden’ genitals.  Most sexually-functional men associate erection with arousal, pleasure and orgasm.  Their eyes see the erection, and send a message to the conscious part of their brains to let them know they are aroused. (Sakheim) Even if they can’t ‘see’ the erection, they can often get tactile feedback from their penises as it touch or press against their clothing.

In most cases, a woman doesn’t have those types of body cues to alert her brain that she is, in fact, aroused.  A mind/body disconnect forms when her body is aroused but her brain does not perceive the arousal (see it, feel it).   She will miss the positive feedback loop that encourages more arousal.

 

How to stop multi-tasking and have better sex:

The good news is that sexual arousal and orgasm can be controlled voluntarily.

Sex researcher Dekker found when a woman turns her attention to how she feels during a sexual act — including lubrication or increased blood flow (feeling of fullness in the genitals) — she will feel more turned on.

Whenever you feel your brain traveling to non-erotic thoughts, zone back in on your genitals.  Feel the heat, the fullness the labia, the wetness.  Get out a mirror and look at the clitoris move under the hood, see the color deepen and the lips fill out.  It works.

Other ideas to keep your focus on the prize of sexual pleasure have been:

Understand your sexual triggers: Thoughts, such as sexual fantasy, that bring you back to your erotic state.

  1. Mindfulness: Train your brain to stay focused through meditation practices.
  2. Play: Incorporating role-playing and other forms of ‘play’ to focus attention.